Dear Gentle Reader,
We need to talk.
People have threatened to remove fruit bowls and my access to bathrooms, should I come to visit.
All because of one story...
It's not so bad.
Not any more, at least.
And it could be worse.
I could have flushed a koi-sized goldfish...
(That story belongs to the ineffably fabulous Heidelweiss; she is possibly a long lost sister of mine.)
Then, someone sent me an email claiming that I was a fraud.
Why? Because, to check out my story, they tossed an apple into their toilet's cistern and it wouldn't sink...
Quite a silly thing to do, really.
What if it had worked?
Toilets are not to be messed with.
Speaking of messing with toilets...
I could tell you about high school, when, having liberated a chunk of potassium from the chemistry supply closet, I dropped it into a water closet (a toilet for my Southern cousins) to see what would happen.
It was wonderful.
Flames, shaped by the toilet and funnelled by the bowl, flew up at my face which was peering down, intently, to watch the sparks.
Those flames licked my ears and eyelashes as my head instinctively sought shelter from the pillar of fire, the onslaught of toilet Armageddon, which I had wrought and unleashed.
In the second, more explosive, round (pillar) of flames, they, the flames, shot above the metal sides of the toilet stall.
I repeat, above the metal walls of the stall.
Pyromaniacal heaven, baby; I was a teenage boy.
(On the flip side, I am sure I created plumber hell. Not to mention whoever had to write the incident report about a singed toilet seat.)
This was in grade something or other; I am not sure which (too many provinces, too many schools).
I was awestruck, and no lasting damage was done.
Unlike when a friend tried the same thing with a lump of sodium.
And flushed the toilet.
It is astonishing how much water a toilet holds.
While it is still toilet shaped.
It's also astonishing the chemicals we were able to get our hands on from the supply rooms at various schools.
It was fortunate for me that my Dad moved to a new city every year. No teacher was ever prepared for me.
Some teachers even felt sorry for the poor guy who had been transplanted from one city to the next. Well, at the beginning of the year they thought that. Not so much by the end of each year.
But, I did help draw down supplies of dangerous chemicals across the breadth of Canada.
And, I digress. Back to the apple and the surprising email I received.
An unnamed person wrote me an email claiming I was a fake.
Why? Because they threw an apple into a toilet and flushed it, just to check out my story.
When you are thinking of flushing apples down toilets, remember that apples float. Think of Halloween and bobbing for apples.
Well, not in a toilet, unless you truly had a messed up childhood.
Fortunately, for the person who tried to replicate my story, their apple bobbed, as apples are wont to do.
The natural buoyancy of a whole apple means that you have to make more of an effort to get it into a toilet's piping.
You have to assist the unwilling apple; hold its unhappy head below the water line when flushing.
Jab it down with your brother's towel, or something like that.
Once the apple was well into the toilet's piping, it bobbed up somewhere or other and formed a fantastic seal. (Phoque!)(Seal in French, though the kind that swims.)
Which was why that apple couldn't just be flushed down or plunged up and out of the pipes.
And toilet snakes couldn't budge the apple because of its inherent solidity.
Presumably the wax on the apple's skin (they used to use that on apples before they stored them in sealed warehouses surrounded by nitrogen gas) protected the apple too, chemically, from liquid plumber.
I won't say whose towel was the fortunate one to achieve new bacterial glory, but, it sure wasn't mine.
The Heroine read that post, turned to look at me, and shook her head with complete belief and mirth.
And sympathy for my Dad.
The Heroine only had one query.
"Why would you flush an apple down the toilet after taking a bite?"
"That doesn't sound like you at all. You eat the core..."
Now I do.
Your next question is likely...
I wrote that down, for this post.
Then the Heroine told me to delete.
She said that none of you would believe it.
Even though it is true.
The travails of living a post-credible life.