Friday, June 19, 2009

Carrot teeth and bulging eyes of death... Spider of the Apocalypse, redux

First image of a fearsome Cambodian spider.Dear Gentle Reader,

A face like this is just another reason why these guys give your humble scribe the creeps.

I mean, look at those teeth...

This guy is like a monster drawn by a three-year old child with carrot teeth and bulgy eyes.

(Note, I am referring to the drawn monster as having the carrot teeth and bulgy eyes.)

(Further note, were the three-year old child to have carrot teeth and bulgy eyes, and be drawing a picture of the same, your humble scribe would be afraid of the three-year old child, too...)

The above-pictured beast is decidedly real, although he also inhabits my nightmares...

Come on, Harry...

Smile for the camera...

Second image of a fearsome Cambodian spider.
If Little Red Riding Hood had described this guy, instead of the the wolf, I really don't know how I would have made it through childhood, especially the nights.

Heck, even the frogs are hiding from this guy in the daytime...


Third image of a fearsome Cambodian spider.Image of a Cambodian frog cowering in a water tank












So, mental imagery time...

It's hot.

Really hot.

And humid.

Really humid.

You go to bed au naturel because it's so hot and humid.

Feral noises come from the jungle outside your building, until silence coccoons you in the tight embrace of sleep.

And then you wake in the middle of the night.

You wake in a panic, but, also,
and wisely,
you wake, frozen in place...

For Something is upon you...

And, by the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes...

That Something is moving...

That Something is heavy...

That Something is the size of a plate...
...and on your chest...

And,

and here I save the best for last...
that Something has no body heat...

although you know It moves quite fast
by Its quick, twitching, spiky feet...

It's as if fluid night has coagulated into prickly substance.

A lethal bit of dark matter has congealed and been extruded from the night and dripped upon your body, discernible only by the pressure it exerts on your ever tightening psyche and skin...

...It is another spider of the apocalypse.

My questions to you are:

Do you open your eyes to see impending doom... and show the spider of the apocalypse where you keep the wet, juicy morsels to quench its thirst?

Do you move at all?

Do you hope it goes sideways? (Rather than towards your head, or towards a warm site further south...)

Do you let your partner know now, or later?

I remember these questions flitting across my fevered brain through the horror of one sweat-drenched night.

Spiders of the apocalypse; one of the lesser joys of Taiwan.

Thank goodness this Cambodian cousin didn't know the standard operating procedure for his ilk.

And, hopefully, nothing snuck into my luggage...


Tschuess,
Chris, Regina, a wide-eyed Pommes who used to like hiding under the furniture, and a visiting Dad who doesn't know that those spiders I showed you last year are fattening up, as I write, as they prepare for this year's inspection tour, and a possible sacrificial offering...

7 comments:

Teresa said...

Chris, Chris, Chris,

Always so melodramatic. The plate-sized creature you described crawling across you in Taiwan was probably nothing more than a biting cockroach. You can avoid them, you know, by always showering last thing before you go to bed so your sweat doesn't attract them (and by NOT sleeping au naturel).

Now that ugly little Cambodian beastie looks like it could give a nasty poisonous bite, good thing it hasn't perfected the art of night crawling. I would wear leather gloves before packing the suitcases next time, just in case it's Henrietta (not Harry) and her egg sack was deposited in the dark recesses of a suitcase pocket before she disembarked in Pommes' secret lair (better batten down that chemical weapons factory)...

(Oh and don't forget to strap on your machete in case a snake crept into the baggage, too.)

Best wishes for a grand time with your father (and other visitors),

Teresa

Travis Erwin said...

So what kid of spider is that?

Cloudia said...

Suddenly giant hawaiian roaches don't seem so disgusting in bed at night...OK, they are still disgusting, but YOURS are a TRAUMA!!!!! YIKES!!!!
Aloha?

murat11 said...

Chris: I suspect Teresa must sleep in trees, to be so blasé about your night terrors. It was nice of her, however, to remind you of the possible snake you may have lurking in the luggage.

Dibs on Teresa for guide the next time I go traveling in the jungle. Or for shaman, the next time something goes bump in the night...

Heidelweiss said...

WHY!?!?!?! IF one of those vile creatures dared crawl on me during the night I would react as I always do when a vile creature is upon me, I scream and thrash about until said creature is nothing but a ball with several legs scattered hither and thither (and possibly some carrot teeth). Woe betide the fool sitting within arms length of me when the fight ensues. They *may* or may not suffer the same fate. It's like one of those "blind rages" you hear so much about these days. You know the ones people go into and therefore cannot be held responsible for murdering people? Yes, just that angry. Ugly bugger!

Junosmom said...

Hi Chris! Long time no comment (for me). I'm trying to get back into the swing of things, but next week looks bad, so I'm spending some time here tonight!

So - I guess you're not a fan of the book Wm and I are reading: Charlotte's Web. Of course, the spiders we have here are probably a different type altogether than the monsters you seem to run into.

Barbara Martin said...

A nice touch of dark urban fantasy there...or maybe not so much fantasy as reality.